I have found myself more affected recently by everything and everyone I am exposed to. I suppose that is true all the time, with each breath being consequential and each action affecting someone or something in this everconnected machinery we call the universe. But under certain circumstances such as depression, heartbreak, first love, new moon, full moon, finanical crisis, financial breakthrough, mind-altering substances, pleasant dreams, trippy dreams, nightmares, recent death, existential crisis, first snow, rebirth, etc. we might just see this world, hear it smell it and breathe it in through a new set of eyes, ears, nose, and mouth. I've gone through a couple of these circumstances lately and had my fair share of good luck and bad luck. What it may or may not come down to, is timing. I believe in luck and I believe in fate. I also may not trust either when they turn on me.
One of the things I've found myself more affected by are books. I've been reading short stories by Gabriel Garcia Marquez and Kurt Vonnegut and I too am finding myself in less than usual circumstances and honestly, I am trying to escape these. I'm sick of having car trouble, and I could use a couple more changes in my life. I have been writing my blogposts when in a positive state, not when vulnerable, because I would rather expose that side of myself to this world, but reading these authors, I realize that isn't realistic. Stories require conflict, pain and misery to keep you entertained. It is refreshing to read some positive thoughts after watching the news, but we can't always neglect the harsh realities that enter this world like an unwanted trick-or-treater on November 1st when you are fresh out of candy.
Now I will share with you some poems that I wrote 2 years ago or now that are without a happy ending, either cynical or ambiguous.
In Darkness
dust falls like rain
under my bedside lamp.
i shiver
when I think
even my blankets cannot protect me.
my mind slips
into the senseless
into what my body cannot fit through nor find.
the world is large
and though
I am small
I cannot hide.
the darkness I inhabit
has no shape
no quality
no end.
in darkness
i am safe
when i cannot see your face.
Organic Food for Thought
what is contrived and
what is natural
in regards to unknowns
such as
a collective environmental conscious?
the trees shrug aside their
determined lives
precipitation has accepted its
tedious fate
even the wind sways without
a purpose
minutes and hours and days
and months and years elapse
the ocean awaits a green wind to
concoct a tsunami or (as the antagonist
markets it)
'a natural disaster'
I reckon when it pummels the shore
it is environmental bliss and
at the same time
karma at its finest
A Marred Figure
how does one distinguish
good from evil
in the midst of mayhem?
a shadow wishes its master would
sporadically purify himself in water
(for a fleeting abscond)
in return for a lifetime of compliance
the grass contends a drought
each passing day, with zero say
and even less to do
civilians become prisoners of war
lonely children break ancestral lines
billions die over a faulty idea
of an omniscient being
I am confusion personified
true colors
white bird at dusk homeward bound glowing blue
silver tips peircing the snow capped summits
faded into the sky etched into the eternal horizon
glowing orange now she floats onto a gray rock
will i or this rock shatter this sky into white lights
faded into the sky etched into the eternal horizon
she wonders how many hours must one fly
until they too find their true colors and are forever
faded into the sky etched into the eternal horizon
Hypocritically, I am ending on a positive. I got a job at Flatbread Company as a pizza assembler and my first real job in a commerical kitchen. Baking in farm kitchens in Hana and Israel were great experiences, but this one is full on. I'm fully trained and now have a week under my belt, including a hectic stressful day, so I'm learning the inevitable of the kitchen. Like the woodfire oven that cooks all our food, I'm stoked. More to come on this front. Also starting a long short story, maybe a teaser in the next post.
Aloha,
Matthew K.
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