Saturday, December 24, 2011

I Haven't Forgotten About You

Excuse my absence,
but my year has been full,
Excuse my excuses,
they are empty
like the clouds after a storm,
Hovering above the landscape
wishing they were belly laughing
and not spilling tears. 
Such a length of time has passed
wide and long as the blue space
surrounding these islands,
that I've forgotten
how eventful a year this has been.
Always busy and growing,
even in times of stillness.
All I can offer now,
is an apology
and a catch up letter
and a hope
that in this shifting world,
you will find
your space and happiness
and that no matter 
how insane each day may feel,
you continue to greet the sun
with a grateful smile,
and the moon with another.


"I was raised up believing, I was somehow unique,
like a snowflake distinct among other snowflakes
unique in each way you can see,
and now after some thinking
I'd say I'd rather be,
A functioning cog in some great machinery
Serving something beyond me."

This is for all the people who have entered and impacted my lives.  It's an overdue catch up from my end, and hopefully I can hear how all of you are doing too.

These past months especially, and throughout this year on Maui, I've put myself in the backseat and let others take precedence over me.  Overwhelmed by the beauty of this island and the goodness of most of the people here, who will wave at every local car on the road and stop for a half hour conversation even if there is somewhere else they need to be.  

And in this setting , I'm trying to learn what is important.  How happiness fits into the equation, how purpose is realized, how to spend and proportion my time.   This year has had lengths of solitude - reading and cooking and beverage mixing, and lengths of not a minute alone for days.  Always working, usually on farms or in the kitchen, and trying to camp as often as I can.  This past month, I've not had any full days off and not many minutes of relaxing time in the day light.   I'm coming off of one of the most hectic and inredible months of my life and  I haven't given it thought or attention until now.  

I've had many tests of faith, questioning myself and trusting others.  Lots of car troubles and lots of lessons.  Been missing people who come and go on this transient island and missing those who I haven't seen in awhile.  And while this whirlwind year has budded and grown and branched out like a banyan tree, I've recently felt like I haven't been taking in the full picture - my tree has given off oxygen for others, others have been weeding around me, the sun and the rain have affected my growth through too much or not enough, my branches have been pruned to make room for new ones, my root system is growing stronger.

I haven't watched any new movies, music videos, read any books or magazines or newspapers in the last 6 months.  I haven't gone to the beach in awhile, when I was going 5 days a week before, and I've gone on a lot less hikes too.  So what have I been doing, and is this a fulfilling lifestyle, is what I am beginning to question.

The first thing I examine - is what am I doing sustainable?  Am I taking all my interests and passions into account?

Yes.  This is a sustainable life to maintain and to grow.  There is food to eat from the garden and the trees on our land and all over the highway.  There is a roof over my head to stay dry and there is a small income from the work I do.

And there are many of my passions present around me, but right now I am spread out too thin so I can't focus, or choose to focus on what I want to be doing.  My standards are warped and I'll get them back soon.  The potential in the space I am in now is almost overwhelming.  There is a community of people to always hang out with on the farm and a community of people who were either born here or chose to live in Hana to talk and laugh with, a movie projector and wifi internet, a private and hot outside shower, people to play chess and backgammon with, origami paper to fold, instruments to play, paper to write on, books to learn from, red white and black sand beaches within 5 miles to soak up, winter waves to get rolled around in, one of the most beautiful and unique places in the world is the crater of the volcano I am living on, stars to gaze at laying on the sand or the grass, and a garden to play in.  I couldn't dream of a better fit.  

So what have I been doing?  What equates to all the craziness and lack of free time?
Trying to help the farm and business run smooth and rebuild with a strong foundation when 7 people have left the farm in the course of a month.  A place that generally requires 12 people to run it and we were down to 5.  And being a stand-in manager of the Clay Oven Pizza we run on Fridays and Saturdays.  And in this middle of this a 3 day trip to the crater where we saw a Lunar eclipse, a moon rainbow, hundreds of double rainbows, egyptian ratscrew games, 40 hotdogs in one night, 5 bottles of whiskey over two, and enough laughs to fill up my quota for a year.

My fridays throughout this time consisted of waking up at 6 am to bake banana bread.  Finishing at 11 am and then prepping 80-100 doughs for pizza.  Then prepping the veggies, meats, sauces, cheeses, and salad by 4 pm with the help of one or two other people.  Then 4-830 being open and baking delicious pizzas in our oven which begins its firing at noon, and then cleaning up and closing shop hopefully by 10pm.  Some weeks every day felt like that.  I am not complaining about this though.  I enjoy it.  I love everything about pizza.  It is an incredible space that Alan and Dori created by building the oven, and now it has evolved into a space with dry places to eat, 10 picnic tables, a firepit that usually has people playing guitar and drums around when it gets dark, tiki torches and oil lanterns for lighting at night, breadsticks and calzones have entered the menu, and besides more advertising and lighting, I'm excited to see what will evolve next.  Maybe a pizza and a movie night with the new projector.  We were told by these shrewed tourists from Oregon that they "wish us to never be in any of the guidebooks," and they understood what this space was created for.

Being so busy it is easy to overlook something falling out of your life and it being replaced with something else or nothing.  My computer stopped working 6 weeks ago and I've given it no notice.  So is it important to me?  Does its presence stimulate another aspect of my life that I'm missing?  I had a girl for a little while, and when she was there no longer, it was difficult for some time, then it moved on.  I don't want people and feelings to fall out of my life.  I don't want to get too caught up that the term "old friends" or "from back in the day" emerges.   So here I am, trying to reach out, knowing that not everything in this world lasts, and trying to treasure what is here in my presence and what is out there, out of presence, but not out of reach.

I see now I have been writing all over the place, but forgive me, I am out of practice.  I am going to try to check in monthly.  January 12th to February 2nd I am going to Northern California.  If you are around during those dates I would love to see you, whoever you are.  This is the longest period of not boarding a plane for me in 5 years.  I got my hair trimmed for the first time in 3 and half years.  I'm ready for change, ready to committ to myself to be more present for you and for me.

So I end this with what someone just ended their conversation on the phone with me.  A man who I've only met a handful of times and he says, "Have a lovely day and thank you for your friendship."

Aloha.