APW: What I didn’t know I was grateful for

All of my camping gear that I’ve collected and traveled over the last 5 years was stolen earlier this week.  Along with my laptop that stored all of my school work, research and writing.  This event brings me to a cross roads and I consider these contrasting points (of view):

1) This happened while I was volunteering at LEAF Festival, a gathering of “building community” and “connecting culture.”  Taking someone else’s belongings is an interesting expression of this, though I prefer to imagine that they need the gear more than I do ,hoping the legacy of my gear will continue on many treks in places I would not have gone.

2) I haven’t experienced anything physically taken from me in a long time.  I have taken things from myself, but that was in my control, though this notion is often difficult to accept.  Not the last few years in Hawai’i, or in my travels around Asia.  This makes me wonder what is in the mentality and ethics of my thief?  Is there consideration for the person’s relationship with the stuff being taken, either sentimentally or economically?   Is it an act of desperation, or is someone being opportunistic at another's expense?  Do most decisions boil down to this more abstractly?

3) I am trying to cultivate a mind without attachments to things.   There are distinctions to be made in the words things and attachments, but I will not turn this into an essay on Buddhism.  That being said, there are few “personal belongings” that I care about.  If I were prompted to make a list, camp gear and my writing would make the top 3. 

4)  I relate to the inherent value of a backpack in its ability to store essentials.  But I identify more with what it represents.  I feel safe with a backpack and my gear, as it allows the ability to go outside at any time in the year for an extended period, and find a space without expectation or obstinate definition.  To be immersed in the ever changing, non-projecting, growing balanced landscape filled with other responsive living organisms.  Strapping on a backpack is a little like a ceremony for me.  And I usually have a small backpack on my person at all times.  Having one taken is akin to missing an essential piece of clothing.

5) I do not have much to show for myself tangibly throughout my life.  I have a lot of relationships that I am grateful for, and of all the people I have known, my aunt is the only person within a 10 hour drive who I have known for more than 2 months.   I am grateful for her for many reasons, among them she has provided a roof over my head this week when I was hoping my former tent would be sufficient.  I also have my writing, or what is left of it.   Though this feeling of starting over is familiar, and as I get older, I wish to experience it less.

6) And on the road to getting elements of my external self back, I have the internet to be grateful for.  Thanks to the internet, the iCloud, this shared network space beyond a local hard drive, I have some of my writing, research and schoolwork stored and saved.

7)  It took years to put together my pack, both realizing what I need and acquiring the gear.  Though in the last 3 days, through visiting second hand stores, used book stores, camping stores, eBay, Craiglist and Amazon, I have been able to compile most of my old pack.  Each item now has a new story and a shorter history, unless the gear is used and then I am continuing the journey of a story already started.

Which is essentially what I am doing or how I am trying to look at this.  I am continuing my own story.  I am not as sad as I expected myself to be from when this first occurred to now.  It is important to go through the emotions of such events, but I have viewed these happenings as chapter breaks rather than writing a whole new book.  I will have to start some things from scratch, but that happens regardless of whether or not someone else takes something from you.  Some time periods of our lives force this process upon us, and others nurture it.

I am often not promoting our cultural dependence on technology.  I observe an interference with learning basic skills and utilizing proper tools around us.  A click of the button to order clothes sewn in a factory across the world, or shopping in our low risk, low cost grocery stores do not accurately represent how food is grown.  Technology has the ability to hide the externalities (hidden consequences) of our choices.  Today though, I am grateful for this convenience, and being back in camping action in under two weeks.   Or am I?

A Closing thought:  Perhaps it would be better to pick up the gear in pieces, create new stories, and grieve for the relationship I had cultivated with my old gear.  Our culture is driven toward forward progress and momentum.  Major emotional events in our lives now may take the shape of speed bumps.  I remain confused, conflicted and have difficulty slowing down.  I am grateful for all the reminders.  Maybe a camping trip will help.